funny cat names: 90+ names too good to waste on a dog

I was asked to compile a list of funny cat names. I did not want to. Cats do not need to be funny; they need to be respected. But the humans kept uploading photographs, so here we are. Take what is useful. Ignore the rest, the way your cat ignores you.

Let me be clear about what a funny name is for. It is not for the cat. The cat does not know its name and would not care if it did. A funny name is a small, private admission that the creature ruling your home is, in fact, an idiot with beautiful fur. There is no shame in that. Some of the finest animals I know are idiots with beautiful fur. Below are the names worth considering, sorted by exactly how much dignity you are prepared to lose in the vet's waiting room.

funny cat names based on food

The undefeated category, and I do not fully understand why. Something about naming a small predator after a snack lands every time. It works best when the cat is the colour of the snack. It works second best when the cat has the personality of one.

• Meatball
• Biscuit
• Noodle
• Waffles
• Pickle
• Nacho
• Bagel
• Miso
• Tater Tot
• Dumpling
• Gnocchi
• Chorizo
• Mango
• Custard
• Pretzel

ironic cat names (for small cats with large opinions)

All the comedy lives in the gap between the name and the animal. A three-kilo cat named Diesel. A cat named Killer who flees the vacuum. This is the correct kind of joke, because the cat is the punchline and never finds out. You will notice my own title appears below. I did not put it there. I have chosen to allow it.

• Sir Reginald
• Chairman
• Duke
• Diesel
• Tank
• Beast
• Killer (a coward)
• Mr Bigglesworth
• Bartholomew
• The Landlord
• Sergeant Fluff
• Your Honour
• Princess Consuela
• Brad
• Kevin

pun cat names

Beneath me, mostly. I include them because the humans enjoy them and I am, against my better judgment, being helpful today. Deploy these knowing precisely what you are doing to everyone within earshot. You will notice someone has listed me here too. Flattering. Still beneath me.

• Meowzart
• Catrick Swayze
• Dolly Purrton
• Anderson Pooper
• Fur-gie
• Katy Purry
• Jude Paw
• Cat Damon
• Purrlock Holmes
• Vincent van Gogh (for a one-eared cat)
• Hairy Styles
• Chairman Meow
• Nicki Meownaj
• Santa Claws
• Leonardo DiCatprio

grumpy and menacing cat names

My preferred aisle. For the cat whose factory setting is mild contempt and whose hobby is psychological warfare over the good chair. I respect this cat. I am this cat.

• Goblin
• Menace
• Voldemort
• Gremlin
• Havoc
• Sir Poops
• Doorknob
• Bandit
• Rascal
• Chaos
• Trouble
• Vader
• Jinx
• Loki
• Agent of Mayhem

human names that are funny on a cat

There is a specific, reliable comedy in a cat named like a man who does your taxes. The blander the name, the funnier the cat. A Persian named Steve. A feral tom named Gary. I cannot explain it. I only observe that it works.

• Kevin
• Steve
• Gary
• Barbara
• Dave
• Susan
• Colin
• Deborah
• Terry
• Janet

how to actually choose one

A few rules, since you are clearly going to do this whether I help or not. Say the name out loud several times first. You will be shouting it into a dark garden at an hour no reasonable animal answers to, while a hadeda judges you from the roof. It needs to survive that. Two syllables carry best. A hard consonant helps, though it will not make the cat come.

Second, wait a few days if you can. Cats reveal their true nature quickly, and the dignified fluffball you brought home on Monday is frequently a Goblin by Thursday. Name the animal you actually have, not the one on the adoption photo. And do not explain the joke. If you have to tell the vet why it is funny, it is not. Pick another.

test the name against the cat

Here is the part that interests me. Once you have chosen a name, find out whether the cat earns it. The judge on this site scores any cat out of 100 across cuteness, fluffiness, gremlin factor, royal energy, and loaf form, and it does not do flattery, which I approve of. A cat named Duke had better bring royal energy. A cat named Goblin had better score on gremlin factor. Names are a claim. Let us see it substantiated.

More, if you must: the name generator, the leaderboard, or you can come and speak to me directly.